Today was one of the most depressing days I’ve experienced since 9/11. I had written a long, rambling post describing it, but figured I play with fire enough elsewhere, and there’s no point getting dooced right before Christmas. I realize it’s the moment heavily influencing my thoughts, but I was questioning – and not for the first time – my decision to leave Minne-fucking-apolis.
Days like today are doubly-depressing, because at the end of them I have a tendancy to look back and try to figure out what I’ve accomplished in life. Invariably I come back with “not a lot”. I have great friends and family, who (to me) have made something out of their lives. I can’t seem to stick to any one thing and make it work. I haven’t graduated (although I’m still working on that), I’ve taken a giant step backward career-wise (and part of today was being told it’s probably where I’ll stay at my present employer), I really don’t have any assets that are worth anything besides a couple of pinball machines, and have been a complete washout on the relationship side of anything (not talking about my friends, they’re awesome).
My siblings have families, they have good jobs, they work hard, and for the most part they enjoy what they do. They have houses, they have kids, they have dogs, and I’m really happy for them. My friends, from my perspective, are in the same boat. At one point or another everyone I know has set out to do something and accomplished it. Sometimes I wonder if I have – I don’t think so, but it could be the hemlock talking.
Ah, looking at the bright side.
I wish I knew what to do, but I can honestly say I’m at a complete loss. I started questioning my self-worth when I came back home from the US, and today it was shaken down even more. *sigh* The worst part is I knew the answers to questions I asked before I asked them, it just stings a little (ok, it’s like a kick in the balls) when you actually hear them voiced by someone other than you. I know what I’m capable of, but I don’t seem to be able to strike the match that lights my capabilities off.
I went running with a couple friends and felt better, but still, this day ranks pretty highly up there in the “suck” category. I’ll try to get over myself in the next few days and figure out what to do.
2 thoughts on “dooce bigalow”
Realizing what we want is probably one of the hardest things to determine (and this is in general, not at restaurant). Realizing what you want won’t let you have what you need is another issue.
I want to be a writer, I don’t know for what, I tried submitting a pilot to Bravo, and that failed horribly. I also realize that if I attempt to make a full foray into it, I’d most likely have to
b) sell my guitars
c) sell my comic book collection
none of which I could possibly deal with. I think moving backwards from a style of living you are accustomed to is just something that’s really tough to deal with because you are less comfortable then when you were comfortable, so we are less likely to incur those kinds of risks.
School is harder as you get older. It just is. The ability to absorb information gets tougher and tougher, no matter how much more mature you are in spirit. Personally the thought of having a undergrad workload of homework right now just makes me want to puke. But don’t stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T STOP. Don’t do something you’ll regret like leave schooling early. The pain of not knowing what would have been HURTS LIKE A BITCH. (Dr. Yeh would have sounded so fucking cool. Oh wait, my brother and my dad are both that. I have to settle for being just Mister. Take these broken wings….)
Hopefully school will lead to a better job for you.
As for the family-kid stuff, let me present 2 facts.
a) Helly has a gf (or did, I don’t know, I’m very much out of the loop)
b) So do I.
That’s straight up evidence that it can happen to the geekiest of the geek. Not that I’m saying you’re a geek Kev.
Or you Helly.
And while it’s too late to have an expansive family (if you wanted that), it isn’t late for a kid or 2.
So relax. You aren’t homeless, hell you still have all the scotch right?
A couple other things
F— NHL 2k5. It’s called playtesting. I don’t care if it was 20 bucks Sega. TESTING, a.k.a. the game shouldn’t HANG when I load a season. I saw the possible explanation as to why it does, and I found it to be ridiculous.
It’s working for me so far. Except for the last bit, that is.
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