Today was one of the most depressing days I’ve experienced since 9/11. I had written a long, rambling post describing it, but figured I play with fire enough elsewhere, and there’s no point getting dooced right before Christmas. I realize it’s the moment heavily influencing my thoughts, but I was questioning – and not for the first time – my decision to leave Minne-fucking-apolis.
Days like today are doubly-depressing, because at the end of them I have a tendancy to look back and try to figure out what I’ve accomplished in life. Invariably I come back with “not a lot”. I have great friends and family, who (to me) have made something out of their lives. I can’t seem to stick to any one thing and make it work. I haven’t graduated (although I’m still working on that), I’ve taken a giant step backward career-wise (and part of today was being told it’s probably where I’ll stay at my present employer), I really don’t have any assets that are worth anything besides a couple of pinball machines, and have been a complete washout on the relationship side of anything (not talking about my friends, they’re awesome).
My siblings have families, they have good jobs, they work hard, and for the most part they enjoy what they do. They have houses, they have kids, they have dogs, and I’m really happy for them. My friends, from my perspective, are in the same boat. At one point or another everyone I know has set out to do something and accomplished it. Sometimes I wonder if I have – I don’t think so, but it could be the hemlock talking.
Ah, looking at the bright side.
I wish I knew what to do, but I can honestly say I’m at a complete loss. I started questioning my self-worth when I came back home from the US, and today it was shaken down even more. *sigh* The worst part is I knew the answers to questions I asked before I asked them, it just stings a little (ok, it’s like a kick in the balls) when you actually hear them voiced by someone other than you. I know what I’m capable of, but I don’t seem to be able to strike the match that lights my capabilities off.
I went running with a couple friends and felt better, but still, this day ranks pretty highly up there in the “suck” category. I’ll try to get over myself in the next few days and figure out what to do.