Listening to: Clumsy – Our Lady Peace

So, I woke up this morning and realize something is missing in my life. I look around and see all of my friends and family happy at what they have, and I’m a little envious. I’ve had a ragged tear in the fabric of my self for a looooong time, and I’m finally starting to see the origin. I’m not happy because I want someone else to make me happy. This doesn’t mean I want a girlfriend, this means I’ve been a slack bastard and expected all good things to come to me. I’ve deluded myself into thinking fate owes me for all the shit I’ve put up with thus far in life. I didn’t used to be this way.

Fate owes me nothing.

If I want satisfaction out of life, I can’t rely on other people or events to get me there, I have to get back on the horse and grab the reins. I used to seize the moment, take charge, and command my destiny. Somewhere along the way, something killed that piece of me that led. I’m struggling with determining whether it died, or if it was just badly wounded. I’m frustrated with where I am now. Two years ago I was riding an express elevator; I loved my job, I had great friends around me, I knew where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there, and things were happening. Now, I’m in a job that doesn’t challenge me, most of my friends have grown up and left me behind, and I’m sitting looking at my navel. I have no equity, I have nothing to show for my accomplishments but a set of toys which, really, are no fun to play with by myself. What happened?

So today, I’ll try to take charge again. Alcohol’s been a crutch for the last two years, so it’s gone. No booze at all until my birthday. Fast/junk food is gone. When I’m on the self-pity express I eat crap, and a lot of it. No more, I start with a balanced intake (notice I didn’t say diet, they suck) today. My NYC exercise program is back in full effect – two hours a day, two days out of three, and I’ll walk to work both ways every day. I’ll quit bitching about my job and how shitty it is. I’ve been doing this for two years now, so maybe it’s not the job, maybe it’s me and I should quit whining. I’ll make the most of my job, and try to make a difference.

I’m going take guitar lessons. I need a hobby other than this new-aged idiot box. Sitting in front of one for 9 hours, then coming home and sitting in front of it for another 3-4 is stupid. I’ve been threatening to take lessons and get serious for a while, now I can do something about it. When the spring semester starts up, I’m going to take a photography course.

I hope I can hold myself to these commitments. I think I can, none of them are seriously taxing, and taking them on can only make life a better place. I’ll keep track of my successes and failures here.