ramble on

Leaves are falling all around,
It’s time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I’m much obliged
For such a pleasant stay.

But now it’s time for me to go,
The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain,
And with it pain,
And it’s headed my way.
Ah, sometimes I grow so tired,
But I know I’ve got one thing I got to do,

Ramble on,
And now’s the time, the time is now…

– Ramble On, Led Zeppelin

So. I was driving to drop off some stuff I borrowed from a friend a month ago, and this song came on. It’s always been one of my faves from Led Zeppelin, but I’ve never really listened to it.

Today, for some reason, I did.

It’s been five years since I moved from NYC. I wish I never had, and it’s something I’ve never been able to get over for some reason. I’ve been hanging on for years about what could have been, and have been ignoring or pretending that what is now isn’t. So I’ve been pretty miserable. Sound familiar? I think it does, as I’ve written a similar vein of post several times in the last year or so?

So what’s different?

Since returning from Vancouver I’ve been in a fair bit of pain. It dates back to an ulty injury from over two years ago, and I finally got it looked at last week. The remedy has been excruciating. Short story – sciatic nerve bound up in scar tissue now released; said nerve cluster is informing nervous system that it is alive, well, and tired of being ignored for the past two years. In fact, said nerve cluster seems to have found a pair of maracas and a jug of tequila, and is having a party like those asshole neighbours who don’t know they should be in bed at 10pm on Saturday, not yelling and screaming and keeping me up! That’s a really long way of saying “Holy mother of god, it fucking hurts!” It also means standing or sitting or anything other than constant motion has been an excercise in agony, and I’ve been averaging an hour of sleep a night since last Wednesday.

Right. So where am I going with this, anyways? I haven’t been able to partake in any of the usual distractions – reading, TV, WoW, or anything else that lets me focus on something other than me. I’ve been stuck with me, myself, and I. So I’ve thought a lot, and I know what I want. I won’t get into that right now, but knowing is a huge change from just a week ago.

I’ll be moving in the direction I want to go by the end of the year. I know what I want to do, and I think I’ll even enjoy it. That’s been sorely missing for a. very. long. time.

More info as things straighten out – including my back. I’ve returned, and I feel like writing, working, commenting, and heckling again. Watch this space, more to come. Whether it’ll be interesting or not to you I’m not as concerned about, because it’s all about me :D

10 thoughts on “ramble on

  1. Y’know, I don’t think I ever realized that leaving NY was that tough. Probably because I didn’t know you back then so, from my point of view, it was a thing you did.

    Sciatic nerves are really tough. I’ve been very fortunate but my Dad not so much…partially what soured my relationship with him was his constant pain. Mainly because it soured him…

    I still think it would be theraputic if you helped me thump some tenants, though. Hell…if you have to feel pain yourself, you might as well inflict it on someone else, too. See? Therapy! :)

  2. I’m not sure why leaving was so tough, but I do know a lot of the frustrations I’ve felt are directly or indirectly related to that decision. I do know that leaving when I did irrevocably changed me, as well as some of the people who I care about. I was rocketing to the top of what a lot of people dream about, and was unprepared for some of the sacrifices that were expected.

    I loved New York, and I still do. Some of my favourite people live there still, and I always think back to that time as something really special. It wasn’t all good, though. There were a lot of things that went wrong, and I have to force myself to remember.

    The big difference was that I was doing something I believed in, with people I really, really liked. I haven’t had that feeling since I left, and that was something I has always had in lieu of other things that make life… well… what it is.

    I’m happy to thump tenants, or perhaps use them as targets of social experiments, you just let me know. The rest of the therapy will eventually work itself out I think. If not, it’ll be back to the $2 who… err… musn’t make moggy jealous… umm… the Internet! Right!!! The Internet!

    We’ll see how it goes, but I feel better than I have in a really long time. I don’t know why, I just do.

  3. it doesnt help the fact that since u left new york life’s been tough.

    easy to think back of new york as the good old days! i wonder if it’s new york itself.. or everything else package..

  4. I think I’ve made life since NYC a lot tougher than it had to be. I think the worst decision I ever made was leaving NYC (not Globix), because I really did love it there. That said, a lot of the folks who made it fun for me are no longer there (sorry guys, NJ ain’t NYC :) ), so I’d probably be in NJ now…

    I think it’s all the “what could’ve been” thinking/positing I’ve done, rather than “how do I get back on track”. Simple sentence, but it took a while to put it together. I’m a work in progress. :)

  5. Dammit, Coop. Now I want a black forest ham and brie with spicey honey mustard on a crusty baguette.

  6. COOL!!!!!!!!! Don’t “should” on yourself. Listen to your heart… don’t worry, be happy…. all silly little sayings that SAY soooooo much about living a life that’s ment to be enjoyed.

    I’m excitied for you Kev!!!!! Rant AND rave, we are all here to listen and cheer YOU on =]

  7. Heya,

    Sorry, meant to get back to this earlier but y’know…busy me!

    Being happy in work is such a tricky, tricky thing. At one point I dearly loved the bookstore but that love turned in the last year and half and it really soured me on it. Would have been different if I owned it or had at least been paid a living wage (‘cuz, y’know, being paid $8.25 for running a place, doing all the hiring, and doing all the buying was just a bit of a joke).

    Again, I didn’t realize that NY had been so positive. I don’t suppose there’s an easy way for you to get back there then, eh? My mojo isn’t strong enough to just move New York here. I wish I had better mojo but I don’t…

    Thumping tenants: oh, it’s therapuetic. Not like watching Lost (or rather, different than watching Lost) but it doesn’t hurt. Uh, us. It would hurt them…but then, who cares?!!!

    Kidding…!

    Or am I?

    ‘Course I am. That’s just silly…

    Or am I?

    :)

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